The Clarity I Was Looking For

I was a wreck. At least I felt like a wreck. I didn't want to sleep because I didn't want to wake up. To wake up was to re-live it again. I was exhausted even when I was getting sleep. The first few days were a blur.

I remember pieces of planning the funeral, but only pieces. The funeral itself is fuzzy. I remember being there, I remember being in the car, I remember the pastor getting the name of the town wrong (weird that I remember that) and I remember the Honor Guard at the cemetery. There are other little details here and there that I remember but that's all the big stuff.

The other thing I remember is putting the pieces of this giant "mind puzzle" together. When bad things happen, some people instantly start looking for answers, reasons, as to why it happened. That's me. And I am relentless. Things came together fairly easily for me on this one though.

He had been able to go places and see and do things that people twice his age had never done. He was able to see his very good friends before he left. He had made a point to talk to our former pastors widow that morning because he really felt the need to speak to her. He had even kind of gone out his way to do it. He had been back from deployment and we were able to spend 30 days together. He had seen his family too. If he had been in an accident while he had been gone, it would have been even harder on me and his family.

I also knew that, while I missed him terribly and my heart was broken, that I would see him again someday. I had that assurance, that guarantee, because of my faith, and his. While neither of us acted it most of the time, we had both accepted Christ, me-when I was younger, and he just in the last few years when he was a teenager. I am glad that God doesn't treat us like we treat Him most of the time.

Things that had been important to him also fell into place. Some of these things did not come to me right away but over a period of days and weeks. Before we got the truck, he had mentioned possibly getting another motorcycle instead. We debated cost vs. safety. He had already crashed one bike. The decision was made to not get the bike because if something should happen, he wouldn't want me to see him like that. Whether it be disfigured, paralyzed or worse. So...we went with the truck. The night of the accident, I should have seen him lying in the road. He had been ejected and was lying in plain view. However, as you may recall, I was distracted by someone that looked like him walking up the off ramp. I believe this person was an angel, you can believe whatever you want. Because I was distracted, I pulled up past where I could see him, the truck was then blocking my view. I did get out of the car the one time but something inside me told me to get back in. Because I remembered the motorcycle/truck debate, I did not go to the visitation before the funeral and both sides of the family made sure the casket was closed for the funeral.

All these little things just made sense to me that, for whatever reason, all of this...the accident...everything was part of something bigger and I just needed to be ok with it

Unaware to me at the time, he had also put something else into motion...