Clarity Comes Later

I originally had no intention of telling this but it keeps coming back to me and I feel that I should share.
There are things that I have to keep for myself but to help you in the long run, you're going to need to know this. When it happened, it made no sense. It was just a late night conversation after a long day when everyone was way too tired.
What it became was something that I would go back to and hold on to and go over again and again in order to make sense of what had happened. It ultimately helped me have an understanding of what we sometimes refer to as the "bigger picture". Sadly, because this particular situation then seemed so clear and obvious, it made me expect that kind of clarity when faced with hard times again. It was, in fact, a two edged sword.

He had gone to bed early. I finished my usual bedtime routine and got into bed. He was laying on his side, back to me, facing the wall. It was obvious he had been crying.
"Hey..what's wrong" I touched his shoulder.
"Nothing"
"I know something is wrong. What is it?"
"It's nothing...it's just..I was thinking...and I was wondering... and if something happened to me...ever...you know...would you look for me?" He's still facing the wall.
"Look for you?"
"You know...in Heaven. Would you look for me in Heaven?"
"Well, you're not going to die so..."
"I'm serious. Would you look for me?" He is starting to get upset again, it was obvious that this was real for him.
"Of course but you're being ridiculous. There's no way your getting there before me. We'll go together or something. When were old we will sit down and go one-two-three-die. And that will be that."
"I don't think so"
"Well, if I go before you will you look for me?"
"Yes, but that's not going to happen. I'm not going to get old."
"Sure you will. You'll be old, I'll be old, we'll be old together." I'm starting to get a little freaked out at this point.This is not a conversation for newlyweds, especially ones our current ages.
"Ok, but will you look for me? Will you really? Do you promise?"
"Of course. I promise."
"Good. Will you get married again?"
"Of course not. I could never marry any one else. I love you."
"I think you should get married again."
"I'm not marrying anyone else"
"Yes you will. Promise me you'll get married again."
"Ok, fine, I'll get married again. It's not like it's ever going to happen any way."
"I just need to know you will be alright."
"How could I be alright with out you?"
"You'll be alright."

He never once turned over and looked at me. He just kept staring at the wall. I don't know what he saw there, or who, but his questions were so matter of fact and direct... It was as if someone was telling him exactly what to say. When the conversation finally ended, I just laid my head against his back and went to sleep. We never talked about it again.