There are things that no one ever tells you. They just leave you to figure it out on your own. Some things, you find out by accident. Like, if you need to iron a shirt, make sure you are wearing one or you run the risk of accidentally burning a line across your mid-section. I found that out from a friend. You should also never iron a shirt while wearing it. Again, learned from some elses misfortune. One should also not build underwear, specifically a bra, out of duct tape. While very supportive, the removal process is most unpleasant. Learned that from a relative.
One big issue that no one ever seems to talk about though is Grief. Let's face it, everyone at some point in their life will have something to grieve over. Grief is not partial to any person, it will find you. Whether you acknowledge it or not does not matter. You can not control it, it can, however, control you. Most people are unaware that grief is almost a chemical, or biological, response to external forces. Grief can be triggered by numerous types of losses or events. For a child, losing a pet can trigger a grief response in the brain. An adult losing their job can get the same response. The end of any relationship through any means can also bring these emotions to the surface. Impending or perceived loss can also send you into the grief stages. Nasty business, that grief. It'll get ya'.
So here I was, going through this business of grieving but I didn't know it. No one said, "hey, look out, you are about to go through some weird emotional stuff." Why would they? We don't talk about those unpleasant things, right? It, grief that is, can make you think you are losing your mind. It can make you irrational, angry, impulsive, emotional, susceptible to things you would not normally do. And if you are unaware of what is coming, it can do serious damage. I didn't know any of this.
I opted to not "deal" directly with what had happened. It was easy to take that route. At least at first. I rationalized in my mind that this was all part of a bigger plan. It's not like we had broken up and would possibly get back together. He was gone and not coming back so why dwell on it. Just move on. This wonderful new guy had been dropped in my lap, obviously part of the bigger plan, so don't over think it. Just go with it. Everyone else had also made comments to the same affect, they couldn't all be wrong. My parents had even said, though not in those specific words, that it was obvious we were supposed to be together. Who cared that it had only been six weeks since the accident. Not me.
It did bother me a little that my former in-laws were hurt by it. I rationalized that too. They could not replace a son but they could not expect me to not re-marry at some point. Not that I could "replace" a husband, but....well, you know. It bothered me that some people also thought that there must have already been something going on between us for things to happen that fast. That part was difficult because I still can not explain how it happened the way that it did. I don't even understand it. But there was nothing going on, I barely knew the guy.
Anyway...back to the grief part. So, there I was, all of 19 years old, and in emotional dysfunction. Except, I didn't know it. There are essentially five stages of grief. They are denial, guilt, anger, depression, and acceptance. Some people have extended them to seven stages. I prefer to lump them since there are actually many sub-categories. Plus, you feel like you are making more progress if there are only five. Get in, get out...so to speak. Here is the kicker... you can go through them in different orders, at different times and at different stages. AND, you can get stuck in one or by-pass one all together. No rhyme or reason.
I think I tried to get through the denial and the acceptance all at the same time. Keep in mind that I wasn't talking to anyone about this. My friends didn't understand, most of them were just starting to think about long-term serious relationships and I was a widow. My family was only offering suggestions on what I should do with my life now. New job, go back to school, buy a house...all thoughts that were over-whelming. I talked to my dog. She understood and said I would be fine. So, I went with it, just roll along with whatever is coming at you. After all, we don't really have any control over what happens to us right? We're just some sort of game that God plays, right? Yeah, I know, not the best way to look at things. But at the time, that was all I had. I didn't even talk to my new "husband to be" about what was going on in my head. I didn't want him to think I was nuts, I didn't think he would really understand and I didn't want him to think that I didn't I had doubts because I didn't.
Being alone in your own head is a very, very dangerous place to be...
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